So we sold our kitchen table on friday, which was great, excellent, made lots of money. And all that.

Problem being that Liz and Lee's table, which was currently residing behind our couch, had all its legs unscrewed and we have no tools at my flat. This was problematic not only for the lack of kitchen table but also because people were coming to Roleplay at my house.

So I text Anne.

AIMEE: Hi. Can you bring a screwdriver to my house tonight? Otherwise we shall have no table.
ANNE: Sure, how big are the screws?
AIMEE: Like, one centimetre.
ANNE: No. Okay, is there a plus sign on the head or a line across it?

(She has to use small words so that I can understand)

AIMEE: ...They are potentially less screws and more bolts. I need a thing to put on bolty bits.
ANNE: A spanner. Would you like a spanner?
AIMEE: Yes please. I fail.
ANNE: That's alright. I am here for you. And I also secretly snuck into boy scouts as a child.
AIMEE: I did Brownies. But all my badges are in, like, macrame and reading.
ANNE: Mine are in the internet, awesome, and tools. I will see you soon.

So Anne turns up at my house with her dinner and a spanner. I give her the 'bolts'.

ANNE: Aimee. These are nuts.
ANNE: You are a big, big freak.

About halfway through the game I recognised the irony of my playing a character who can built anything with a bit of metal and some number eight wire.

So I was walking down through the university after tutoring, reading The Grand Sophy. A guy and girl walked past me.

GUY: Good book?
AIMEE: Yes, very.
GIRL: What're you reading?
AIMEE: *a little embarrassed, shows cover*
GIRL: Oh my goodness, I love Georgette Heyer! Have you read much of her?
AIMEE: A few, yes. I love her.
GIRL: Read These Old Shades. It is amazing. You're an English major?
AIMEE: Yup.
GIRL: 3rd year?
AIMEE: I just finished honours. Doing teaching now.
GIRL: Wow, congratulations! That's awesome.
GUY: Yeah, I do maths.
GIRL: You have excellent taste in books!
AIMEE: Thanks! You do too.

So that was kind of awesome.

I don't know if I've ever told this story here but today I am going to tell you the story of my first experience with the Bronte sisters.

So, I'm nine years old and it's all very exciting because I get to go to the movies with my parents and Caitlin doesn't get to come. We're going to see Jane Eyre, which I'm very excited about because it has Anna Paquin in it. I like Anna Paquin because she is in my all time favourite movie, Fly Away Home. We go to the Rialto Cinema, which is a little arty cinema near the Wellington waterfront that has closed down now. The Rialto does the best chocolate-dipped ice creams in the universe.

The movie is very good, although I get bored in some of the Jane and Rochester bits. Then, Jane is woken by mad laughter from the attic of the house she's at. Mad, cackling laughter.

I am quiet when we go home from the movies and go to bed without a fuss. But I cannot sleep. Because there is a mad woman in my attic and she is laughing at me.

My mum and dad are asleep when I go into their room. "I can't sleep," I sob. "There's noises in the attic." So I spend the night in my parent's bed and Mum sleeps in my room with the mad woman's laughter.

I've never been good with scary movies, but you'd think that I'd be safe with Jane Eyre.

*

Oh, also, I realised I haven't actually posted much about what has actually been going on in my life.

1. I got a first class honours degree, which, in Kirsten terms, means I have won.

2. In two weeks I start Teacher's College. I think I haven't posted about this because I wasn't really sure if I'd got in. I found out so quickly after my interview that I'd been accepted that I half-thought it was a big mistake. It wasn't, so hurrah.

3. I've been working fulltime at my workplace since November, which has been exhausting. Fortunately, I am finished now.

4. I had Christmas with my flat. It was excellent. I am so pleased I will still be living here next year.


5. I rang in the New Year, singing nineties pop songs and playing Articulate, which was very nice.

How are you all?

So Kirsten and I went to Sherlock Holmes last night (which, by the way, was excellent, mostly because of the banter between Holmes and Watson) and when we were in town there was an unusual number of unicycles.

"Is this a new trend?" Kirsten asked me, as we walked along the waterfront in the early evening sunshine. "Like, are unicycles the new Miley Cyrus?" I told her I thought it must be a convention of some kind. "You could go and ask one of them," I suggested. "There are many unicyclists around." But Kirsten was too embarrassed. "What if it is the new trend in transport?"

Turns out the unicycling world champs are in Wellington at the moment. Good times.

There are many things I don't understand about customers who come into my work. However, number one of my list is customers who come in to buy curtains without having actually measured their windows properly. How is this actually possible? Because I know that people don't have such a high opinion of retail workers to think that they are mind-readers. Do we even have minds?

"Oh, the window is about this wide," they'll say, while I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "It's just a standard size window," they continue. "There is no such thing as a standard size window," I respond. "Maybe about six feet?" I smile politely, greasily, and try not to tell them that New Zealand converted to the metric system over thirty years ago. And then they get snarky when we can't actually help them.

Christmas was very nice. I am the proud owner of a Penguins Classics Pride and Prejudice mug, because my family know me far too well. Also, books and teapots and soap. My family are pretty neat really.

I have read many books in the past few days, including Nation by Terry Pratchett, Just Henry by Michelle Magorian and The Lost Island of Tamarind by Nadia Aquiar. Michelle Magorian has taught me everything I know about World War II (which, disturbingly, may come in handy next year) and I cried reading Just Henry. Curse you, Michelle Magorian, and your loveable, flawed characters who get everything they want at the end but have such a tragic path to take. And I will NEVER forgive you for Zach.

Perhaps because I had just read Nation, where the treatment of gender and colonialism was so excellent, but I didn't enjoy Aquiar's novel as much as I had been lead to believe I would. It just wasn't as smart and there were aspects of the depiction of characters like Helix and the Cloud People that I found slightly troubling. Also, I thought some of the gender stuff (you can tell I have a first class honours degree) was problematic. I am so sick of motherly girls and actually thought Penny (the baby) was pretty much unnecessary to the story. There were some comments characters made that were never problematised about girls and their ability to do things, which I felt Maya could have maybe struggled with. Also, it was very episodic and a lot of plot points weren't resolved by the end, which I thought needed to be. Even if it's sequel bait, I don't think the appropriate ground was laid for any sort of resolution.

Anyway, enough of that. The weather outside is frightful but I'm about to curl up in bed with a good book (potentially with The Hunger Games, which I haven't started yet as I was told that once I started I would not be able to stop and all my reading is happening in fifteen minute breaks) and drink tea.

NEXT WEEK ON AIMEESWORLD: Anne Bronte and my big, embarrassing crush on Mr Weston from Agnes Grey.

PS Liz and Lee game me a 'Grow Your Own Unicorn' for Christmas. My plans for sparkly world domination continue apace.

So my favourite story about Alexander the Great (or, as I fondly think of him, Big Al) is the story of the Gordian Knot. So basically, there was this prophecy, which was all 'The one who unties this big-ass knot will rule over Asia'. So Big Al's hanging out in Gordium and he decides he can totally undo the knot.

So he tries and he tries and he tries. But the knot refuses to budge. Everyone's all like, "Give it up, Al." But he refuses because he's Big Al, damnit! And eventually he cuts the knot in half with his sword and is all, "Oh yeah, who's the king of Asia now, bitches?" And Everyone is like, "You are, Al," sort of shuffling their feet and looking awkwardly at the ground.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time thinking about this at work this afternoon as I tried to solve a reverse Gordian Knot. By which I mean a complexly tied tieback had fallen apart and I couldn't reknot it. I was tempted to get out the glue. Eventually Megumi succeeded, so we have crowned her queen of the store.

Basically, this just made me think about how much less exciting my life is than Alexander the Great's. I would have been a totally excellent conqueror of Asia because I wouldn't have got drunk and burnt down the most awesome library in the world (which is my second favourite story about Big Al).

In other work-related news, I have accidentally acquired a High School Musical: Senior Year duvet cover and pillow case set. The temptation to actually use it is almost overwhelming, but I will resist and give it as a Christmas present to someone.

A spider has moved into our flat. Once we worked out (via google) that he was not a Whitetail, we've become rather fond of him. I have named him Larry. He hangs out in our kitchen mostly, but enjoys long walks along the ceiling and lying in the sun in Hannah's bedroom.

Also, I was writing Slightly the other day. Basically, am at a point where a weedy enchanter has tried to kidnap Slightly and Sean but has been knocked out by Slightly's sister's copy of Harry Potter. So Maggie is tying him up so he doesn't escape. Except, I apparently do not proof-read carefully late at night:

AIMEE: Oh, Maggie. You are enjoying tying up Gareth the Enchanter just a little too much.
AIMEE READS ON.
AIMEE: MAGGIE. Why are you tying up Slightly's love interest?
AIMEE: ...
AIMEE: This is a somewhat different novel from the one I was originally writing.

Sometimes I contemplate writing about more serious things, but then I get exhausted thinking about them so instead I tell stories and make things up. I think it's probably better that way. My Serious Thoughts are not in any way coherent.

In final news, I am writing a Christmas story.

Dear livejournal,

Some sucky things have been happening (the world really does not want to make teaching easy for me) and some lovely things (Rose and Gabi coming to visit) and some exhausting things (see previous brackets) so instead I shall do a meme, because that's a surefire crowd pleaser and also I need to write this entry before Anne comes over to watch repressed British romance films.

You know how sometimes people on your friendslist post about stuff going on in their lives, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when were they working THERE? Since when were they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy the topics below, erase my answers and put yours in their place, and then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration. One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out.

I should add that I plan to answer this in a combination of lies, fantasy and bizarre truths. See if you can guess which is which.

FIRST NAME
You know how when you're at high school and teachers at the beginning of the year ask you to correct them if they're pronouncing your name wrong? I think I told my classics teacher that I was spelt 'Aimee' but pronounced 'Cynthia'. Yeah, he didn't like me much.

AGE
21. How long have I been 21? A long time.

LOCATION
I'm currently sitting on my couch in my living room, drinking coke zero and watching the view outside slowly turn from sunny to rainy. It is more interesting than watching paint dry.

OCCUPATION
What you don't know is that actually I am a spy. I'm surprised you hadn't guessed it already, my entire wardrobe is trench coats, fedoras and dark glasses.
So I guess you could say I am a spy from the 1930s.

PARTNER
Tim's a plumber. The story goes that he came to unblock my shower drain and instead unblocked my heart.

KIDS
Lately I've taken to seeing babies on the bus or at work and thinking 'I want one of those'. I am hopelessly amused by small children. If I ever have kids, they will grow up reading Jane Austen and wearing lime green dungarees and will have ridiculous names like Iphigenia.

BROTHERS/SISTERS
I have a baby sister. She has her nose pierced and a wonderful sense of style and has about a million more cool points than me. Until you discover that she still finds farts hilarious and cries just talking about Aurora's death in Outrageous Fortune.
There's also Sandy, but we don't talk about her.

PETS
I have a snooty, disagreeable, black cat called Mr Darcy. I am not even kidding. I have actually developed quite a nasty allergy to cats so hope one day to own one of those hairless demon cats, which I will call Willoughby.

3-5 THINGS GOING ON IN MY LIFE
1. I am going back to work tomorrow, where I will sell people curtains and make fun of my workmates.
2. I am waiting to find out my final grades (the science students have theirs back. English Literature, you are letting the side down)
3. I am re-reading Sunshine, which is a lovely antithesis to Twilight.
4. I am potentially going to learn to be a history teacher, despite only ever having taken one class in history in my life.
5. I am singing along to Sweeney Todd and Chicago.

PARENTS
You know how when you were a kid, you wanted cooler parents. Like, your parents were actually deep space explorers and had left you with this weird maths teacher and children's writer because deep space exploring is kind of dangerous when you're three?
Yeah, true story that one.

CLOSEST FRIENDS
I only realised this year that is kind of weird that I have the same best friends as I had in kindergarten. Hannah, Katie and Kirsten especially are the coolest people I know so I suppose if I'd met them any later we wouldn't be friends.
I flat with Hannah and Lem. We write haiku and talk about science a lot and have drawn-out conversations about penis-placement.
Liz and Lee are my favourite nerds. Anne is all right I suppose. She doesn't seem to mind when I whine at her. And I quite like Jen and Renee.

*

In other news, this video of Noel Fielding doing the Rolling Stones on Buzzcocks is the best thing ever.

And in other, other news, WHERE THE FRICK ARE MY GRADES? FAIL ENGLISH DEPARTMENT, FAIL.

So Liz and I traveled to Auckland on Wednesday to see the Maidment Theatre production of The History Boys (Alan Bennett), which is pretty much my favourite play of all time. I have seen the film many times and read the script and own the radio play with the original cast, but never seen a production of it, so this was a chance we couldn't pass up.

Liz has written a wonderfully in depth and photo-filled review over at her blog, which I cannot begin to compete with. I'll give it a try though.



( The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours. )

The coolest thing happened after. I have stolen the conversation directly from Liz. We were walking down from the theatre and this guy walked past us who looked awfully familiar.

LIZ: Um, were you Rudge?
CHRIS TEMPEST: Hah, yeah. You guys just come from the play?
LIZ AND AIMEE: *obligatory (and well-deserved) gushing compliments*
LIZ: It's one of my favourite plays, we came up from Wellington just to see it.
*pause*
Is it a bit naff to say that you were my favourite? (Yes, I actually said that >_<)
CHRIS TEMPEST: *Laughs* Thanks, although I think that Rudge is a really sympathetic character, the most relatable, cause everyone else is so ... clever. *laughs*
LIZ: *swoons*
CHRIS TEMPEST: Are you staying nearby?
LIZ: We're at a hostel on Queen St.
CHRIS TEMPEST: Oh, well, I'm going this way. It was really nice talking to you!
CHRIS TEMPEST: *leaves*

LIZ: ...I love you.

*

So, in other news.

1. We went on a field trip for English on Monday, which was great. Good film version of The Champion (wasn't expecting much because, you know, 1980s TV NZ), delicious food paid for by our lecturer and a lot of laughs.

2. My interview at teacher's college went all right. Am very nervous and will find out my doom by the end of the month.

3. When teaching speech, I told my student to sell me a pen. "Pretend I write with a quill and have never seen a ballpoint before. Make it amazing." The results: "Tired of using scratchy breakable feathers and ink? This pen will never break." [Aimee's bung pen colapses in his hands] "Oh crap."

4. I now have one exam until I am free on Honours forever. And potentially academic English, which makes me sad.

5. I made pizza for tea and it was delicious.

1. Why did I decide to insert stuff about gender roles in His Dark Materials into my thesis, two days before my draft is due to my supervisor?
(As a side point, can I talk about Will's "bad-ass" knife in my thesis? I have already called Odysseus the Lone Ranger and mistaken Metatron for Megatron.)

2. There are a lot of bolded sentences throughout this saying things like NEEDS MOAR WORDS and INVISIBLE PARAGRAPH IS INVISIBLE. I really must remember to cut these out before I email my supervisor.
It's just like all the footnotes I had to cut out after I'd sent it to Anne for editing. I cannot put footnotes saying "Land of the Dead Population: 2 Batshit Crazy Monks" in my SRS BZNS research.

3. I wrote about the Harry Potter Septology in one chapter. On reading this, my supervisor looked it up in a dictionary, where it did not exist. Then he googled it. I have been exposed as one of those Internet Fangirls.

4. I am most proud of my paragraph about Valiant by Holly Black. Why did I not write my actual thesis on her? It would have been more coherent.

5. I still haven't got to grips with Joseph Campbell.

6. Hannah gets to put acknowledgements in her thesis. Am bitter. Acknowledgements are my favourite things ever. But then, Hannah is going to be at university until the last bus home every night for this week.

I had Kirsten and Katie over for dinner on Saturday evening. I had lent Kirsten my copy of Sarah Rees Brennan's The Demon's Lexicon and she had enjoyed it a lot.

( Spoilers for The Demon's Lexicon )

Kirsten is very amusing when she is outraged over political issues. She stops being able to talk in full sentences.
Also, I have three-quarters of a passionfruit cheesecake in my fridge if anyone wants to come and eat it with me. Hannah is, unfortunately, lactose intolerant so the flat garbage disposal is no help.

(No seriously. Hannah is our garbage disposal.
EMILY: Hannah, I have some left over carrot from my lunch. Want it?
HANNAH: I AM NOT A RUBBISH BIN.
JACK: Just get rid of it.
HANNAH: Well, if you're throwing it away...)

In other news, I am reading Dracula for the first time. I did not realise how hilarious this book is. I feel very sorry for Van Helsing and kind of want to give him a hug.

VAN HELSING: Now we have given Lucy a blood transfusion from her strong, handsome fiance, she should survive. Please watch her every night.
SEWARD: *fails to watch Lucy every night and tells maid to do it, who then falls asleep*
LUCY: *is pale and bloodless in the morning*
VAN HELSING: *sigh* She needs blood again. Seward? You are a strong, handsome man of the world, who is coincidentally in love with Lucy. Show up some vein.

VAN HELSING: Now, I am garlanding her room in garlic. Do not remove it.
LUCY'S MOTHER: Oh hi, Van Helsing. Lucy's room was very stuffy so I removed the garlands of garlic and opened her window.
LUCY: *is pale and bloodless in the morning*
VAN HELSING: I am surrounded by genre-blind idiots. AND WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF STRONG, HANDSOME MEN WHO ARE IN LOVE WITH LUCY.

VAN HELSING: Now, Seward. Surely you have guessed why Lucy died.
SEWARD: Clearly it is some sort of rare congenital disease.
VAN HELSING: You know how in some countries there are stories of bats that drink peoples blood and leave teeth marks on their victims necks...
SEWARD: OMG THERE ARE BATS LIKE THAT IN ENGLAND?
VAN HELSING: It was a freaking vampire, you BIG BIG LAME.

There was also the wonderful moment where all the lady vampires are sexually harrassing Jonathan Harker before Dracula comes into the room.
DRACULA: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN, BITCHEZ.

We got our new shirts at work. They are beige. My feelings about this can be summed up by the following very articulate phrase: YUCK. And on Sunday I broke my name badge and got all excited about the prospect of being nameless for a weeks on end. Then Mere fixed it in like twenty minutes.

When researching Anti-suicide trends in Young Adult literature, I accidentally ended up on a website that accused John Green of pushing porn. Can I just say, the sexual incident in Looking for Alaska is possibly the least arousing thing I have ever read, and I have read Virgin Mistress, Scandalous Love Child.

The Word programme on my computer seems to have deleted spellcheck. I suspect I may have actually had some hand in this. This makes doing assignments difficult because I am quite spectacular at doing the who typo thing (as you may have noticed from my drunk typing, which is essentially just slightly worse than normal but I lose by ability to edit and figure 'Asghrevd' is close enough to 'Agrieved').*

Anyway, so I will type in something like 'grsffgl' just to test Word and Word replies by saying. 'That's right, Aimee! You're an individual! I like the way you think!'

My Word Programme speaks in exclamation marks in my head. This is why, sometimes, we don't get on.

Other stories of my life.

HANNAH: What's a word for 'stuff that didn't quite work out'?
AIMEE: Random Pieces of Shit?
HANNAH: For my research project. That I must hand into my lecturer.
HANNAH: Also, Aimee, you are an English honours student!

Also, there was that time when I made an offhand remark about using magnets for torture and Emily and Hannah had a half hour conversation about how it would best work.

AIMEE: When I grow up I will write a thinly-veiled novel about this flat and your utter inability to LET THINGS GO.

I file this incident under 'The Time Emily and Hannah Had a Half Hour Conversation About Whether Half Banshees Would Give People Cancer' in my mind.

On Thursday, to celebrate hitting the 'hand in' point in my essay, I made Chocolate Chilli Fudge. It was delicious.

Also, I have fondly entitled my research essay 'SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE: Death and Dying in Children's Fantasy'. I am tossing up whether to tell my supervisor this, but I suspect he already thinks I am a fruitcake and does not need further evidence. Also, I was talking to Shirley after class on Tuesday about her research and she asked what mine was about and I told her and she said 'Oh, you're that person! I've been talking about you with Geoff'.

I have spent most of the past week listening to Billie Piper. It's like I told annemjw, "I am so trendy, I like Billie Piper AFTER she was popular". To be fair, I liked her at the time too. I just haven't grown out of my Billie phase.

Liz has been teasing me about my thing for BBC!Caspian. I may have named one of the villains in my novel Samuel West after him. To which I can say, at least my Caspian was never in a Boy Band. My love for David Morrisey is greater, however, because he is a total sexpot.

Anyway, more research and then more sleep and then more working on minimum wage at the fabric store from hell.
Aimee

* When I was a bitty fourth former, I had a livejournal fight with devilcactus about the appropriateness of typing Lyk ThIs in my journal. Can I just say, all those who had to deal with my fourteen-year-old self, I am SO SORRY. It should never be appropriate for me to write: "And this entry should have no typo's whatsoever (except normal ones like ppl instead of people.)"

I am sitting here with a glass of beer and celebrating a week well done. Better overall grades than I have ever had (straight A minuses) and a research supervisor who, despite everything I have done (or not done, in this case), does not want to throw me off a cliff. My introduction apparently "shows promise" so I no longer have to read every single YA or children's novel with my Underworld Goggles on. Which I enjoy. It was something of a stretch reading The Forest of Hands and Teeth and The Demon's Lexicon with the caveat, "I am reading this for my research essay".

Have had some lovely coffee dates this week, farewelled my baby sister to the mean streets of Otago again (I will quite possibly not see her until November now sob sob) and discovered that I write about characters in novels as though they are not only real people but that they are still alive today and we hang out regularly. In my head, all characters from literature live at my grandparent's house.

Our flat decided to institute a Dick of the Week system, wherein the person who did or said the stupidest thing would have to wear Hannah's scottish beret to the supermarket. I, of course, kicked off this week by melting the toaster cord. I feel this system is not working to plan: Hannah is supposed to do the stupid things. The girl who serves us at the supermarket thinks we are completely idiotic already.

Currently, I am reading Melina Marchetta's Finnikin of the Rock. Kirsten lent it to me, calling Finnikin the anti-Edward. This is a concept I approve of. Actually, it's quite funny. He tries so hard to be all protective of Envanjalin, and she goes and stabs people and steals shit from slave-owners. I kind of adore her.

So to finish, I told Liz and Lee I would write a list of my Top Five Least Favourite Pieces of Punctuation Ever:

5. The Semi-colon (;)
My dislike of the semi-colon is based around my lack of understanding of how to use it. I am a postgraduate English student, it has started to become embarrassing. Also, it is the bastard cousin of the comma.

4. The Hyphen (-)
This is a tricksy piece of punctuation that will only lead to my doom when I try to hyphenate the entire universe.

3. The Ellipses (...)
Spawned from reading too much bad writing, the ellipses is over-used and unnecessary. Also, it makes me incredibly angry when people use more than three dots.

2. The Comma (,)
When I was at high school, I went through a stage where I refused outright to use commas in my (bad) poetry. And at times, my prose. Which makes for really amusing reading where I tried, through any means necessary, to avoid using commas. I love my seventeen-year-old self. She was such a dickhead.

1. The Exclamation Point (!)
I believe my hatred of said piece of punctuation has been spoken of in this blog before and everytime that I do, people respond with multiple exclamation points. When you do that, a fairy dies. This is the lesser known way of killing fairies, the one Peter Pan never told us about. Part of my dislike of the exclamation point lies in my inexplicable desire to make a noise and hand gesture whenever there is one at the end of a sentence. It is embarrassing, people stare and annemjw refuses to do crosswords with me anymore.

On the other hand, I am fond of the fullstop and the question mark.

This is my list of YA girl crushes.

1. Cassandra Mortmain from Dodie Smith's I Capture the Castle

Cassandra is a wonderful mix of Bronte and Austen, of Elinor and Marianne, of all the spunky, attractive, intelligent Shakespearean heroines, and more than a pinch of her own marvelous qualities. Cassandra is an observer, the sane one in a family of dramatists. Her narrative is beautiful, with the best first line in literature. And she gets things wrong: she falls in love with the wrong person, she treats Stephen abominably sometimes, and she doesn't always know how to deal with situations.

I love her relationship with Rose, stemming from my love of sisters in novels. There are too many wonderful moments in this book for me to pick my favourite, but one of them has got to be her first meeting with the Cotton men - where her arms are dyed green and she's hidden by clothes while in the bath. And the ending for Cassandra is magnificent.

2. Sophie Hatter from Diana Wynne Jones' Howl's Moving Castle

What I love about Sophie is that she starts off so shy and retiring, and when turned into an old woman she gives up on it. She's nosy, impulsive, bossy and forthright. I pretty much adore her. She's in the two sequels as well, and is equally as awesome in each. I love how unromantic she is, and coupled with Howl, this makes the pair of them one of my favourite romantic couples.

And her magic is magnificent.

3. Ilse Burnley from L. M. Montgomery's Emily of New Moon and sequels

I am an Anne girl through and through but Ilse is my favourite secondary character. She's Emily's best friend and couldn't be more different to Anne's bosom friend, Diana. Ilse is beautiful, an orator and actress, and has the worst temper in the world. She wears outrageous clothes beautifully. She also has the best insults in the world.

4. Sisi from William Nicholson's Wind on Fire trilogy

No longer my favourite fantasy series of all time, but I still adore Sisi. She began my infatuation with characters who have scars, by disfigured beauty. Sisi begins as a beautiful but spoilt princess on route to marry a man she has never met. She learns to want more from life, journeying with the Manth people to the promised land and falls in love with Bowman.

My favourite part of her is her absolute security that she and Bowman are going to marry and live happily ever after, despite all Bowman's insistence that he must die. She is focused and simple and her development as a character, I find more interesting than Kestrel and Bowman.

5. Deeba from China Mieville's Un Lun Dun

Deeba is the archetypal sidekick thrust into the position of heroine in the novel and not terribly impressed with the whole process. She is fearless and has a fantastic sense of humour and is not going to be bound by the stupid rules of the fantasy quest.
I have less of a crush on Deeba and more of an overwhelming desire to hang out together and train to become extreme librarians.

Honourable Mentions:
- Laura Chant from Margaret Mahy's The Changeover
- Justine Kalinsky and Tara Finke from Melina Marchetta's Saving Francesca
- Mae from Sarah Rees Brennan's The Demon's Lexicon
- Ginny from Maureen Johnson's 13 Little Blue Envelopes
- Isabelle from Cassandra Clare's Mortal Instruments trilogy
- Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley
- Tom from Mrs George de Horne Vaizey's Tom and Some Other Girls
- Millie from Diana Wynne Jones' Chrestomanci series

*

ALSO I am ill, my grades are still not back and I have not done nearly enough work for the next half of the year due to this.

My Top Five YA Crushes In No Particular Order (Formerly seen here and here and in a bunch of other places)

1. Sorenson Carlisle from Margaret Mahy's The Changeover

This is partly nostalgic because, my God, did I have the biggest crush on him when I was sixteen? I love his stutter and his romance novel reading and the fact that Laura doesn't put up with any of his crap.

2. Gilbert Blythe from L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables

Everyone has him on their list and no wonder. He continues the persevere with Anne, in the face of all obstacles. He is adorable and practical and has a good sense of humour (which I love particularly in reaction to the scrapes his children go through). I think my favourite moment is when Anne is imagining her life in her castle in the sky with her dark and mysterious stranger and Gilbert keeps showing up to help move the furniture and wallpaper the rooms and she just can't understand why.

Gilbert Blythe is also a thoroughly decent human being and a character who I would like to be best friends with in real life.

3. Howl from Diana Wynne Jones' Howl's Moving Castle

Howl is one of the most fascinating, charming and contrary characters created. Howl fascinates me because he is literally heartless, yet so very loveable - and he seems to care so much about the people he isn't trying to seduce, although he'd never admit it. His relationships with Michael and Calcifer and Sophie are multifaceted and interesting and, despite everything, he has a sense of morality.

Also, he is entirely comprised of faults, which Sophie lists off in The Castle in the Air, which I find very endearing.

4. Thomas MacKee from Melina Marchetta's Saving Francesca

Melina Marchetta writes good male characters. Will Trombal is the romantic hero in this novel, and I like him, I really do, but Thomas is the character that tears my heart to little shreds. He's such a dickhead. Like, he objectifies girls and has a fondness for fart jokes and can be really vicious. Like, Francesca thinks that they're maybe getting somewhere and could have a conversation about real issues and be best friends and then he points of some girls' tits and she thinks again.

And as the novel goes on he becomes closer to the girls and we find out more about him and his sense of humour and his decency and social conscience and his love of music. This is the boy who will dance to 'I'm Your Venus' in drama class and who learns all of Francesca's Lady Macbeth Monologues because he's bitter that he has to be Banquo and say 'Fly Fleance Fly!' Plus, he is wicked funny and has a total crush on Tara, the girl who fights for any and all causes in a way that is so hysterical at the same time as she has a valid point to make.

I think my favourite Thomas moment has got to be this scene:

Thomas Mackee packs up his stuff and stands up. "You chicks give me the shits," he says.
"You, on the other hand, brighten up our day," I tell him. "We all regard you as a god."
"You know what we all call you? Bitch Spice, Butch Spice, Slut Spice and Stupid Spice."

And then the four girls spend hours dissecting this information. This is my father's favourite moment in literature.

5. Calvin O'Keefe from Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time

Calvin is lovely. He's a tall, redheaded, basketball player. And he's sensitive and tries to keep people happy and together. And he falls for Meg, even when she thinks she's repulsive.

Honourable Mentions: Will Trombal (the adorable hero) and Jimmy Hailler (for the Sound of Music jokes and Sci-fi/fantasy obsession) from Saving Francesca, Simon from the Mortal Instruments series, Ron Weasley, Derek from Kelley Armstrong's The Summoning, and Spencer from Maureen Johnson's Suite Scarlett.

I should also point out that every single one of these YA males has an at least equally awesome female counterpart, who should definitely be acknowledged. I could not like these YA males without their awesome female counterparts. People, write more kickass females for me to read and enjoy.
1. Laura Chant (for scaring Sorry and turning the world upside down to save her baby brother)
2. Anne Shirley (who breaks a slate over a small boy's head for a perceived insult and holds the mother of all grudges)
3. Sophie Hatter (who spends most of the novel as an old woman and still manages to kick Howl's ass)
4. Tara Finke (and all the girls in Saving Francesca who make this novel the most awesome novel in the universe - especially Justine)
5. Meg Murry (for rocking at science and saving the day with love, in the least lame way possible)

*

Also, thing I have discovered today. I can do the Vulcan Salute with my right hand but not with my left. I'm a left hander in a big way. As in, when I was in Kapa Haka for three weeks and I tried to do the finger-wavey move (look at my cultural sensitivity), I could not do it with my right hand. I cannot throw a ball with my right hand. I cannot write decipherably with my right hand. I cannot do makeup with my right hand (I mean, I can't with my left either, but my right is worse).

My right hand is the nerdy hand that would be picked last for gym, so I guess it stands to reason that the only thing it's good for is symbols of pure nerdery.

Kirsten has this theory about New Zealand writers. "They all have perms, Aimee," she says. "You're going to have to get one."
"Kirsten, they don't all have perms," I say. "My mother is a New Zealand writer and she does not have a perm."
"Well," she concedes. "Not perms. But they all have crazy hair. You cannot deny that your mother was at the height of her triangle hair in her book council photo. You try it. Go to the book council website." I go. "Now search for an author. Say, Kate De Goldi."
Kate De Goldi has crazy hair. And also, very dramatic lipstick. We have a discussion about her lipstick colour for some time. The photo is in black and white, so this is a futile discussion.
"You set that up," I say. "I am fully choosing my own author." I click to 'M' and select someone whose name I don't recognise.
"Aha!" Kirsten cries. "PERM." She shakes her head sorrowfully. "I'm sorry, Aimee. You're going to have to crazy up your hair." She reaches over to ruffle my hair so that it sticks up on one side. "There you go," she says. "Author photo!"

*

I may have edited this for artistic interest but I feel the core of the conversation is as it is.

In other news, Green Wing has taken over my existence. I really must get the second season so I can stop watching the same episodes over and over again.

Also, the best thing I have seen on the internet all week is Buffy vs. Edward.

1. If masturbation in Victorian adolescent literature is a sort of 'closeted narcissism' because it puts the self before the side, why are there not more cricket team orgies in nineteenth century school stories?

2. Charlie Bit Me.

3. David Morrisey. Best Colonel Brandon or BEST Colonel Brandon?

4. Where I will go to teacher's college if NZGSE doesn't work out.

5. Why Abba has so many more hits on my iTunes than ANY OTHER BAND.

6. Dahl and rice and chappati.

7. Teapots.

8. The Demon's Lexicon by Sarah Rees Brennan (review to follow when annemjw gives my copy back).

9. How so many spell Jane Austen's surname 'Austin'. And this makes me think of the film of The Jane Austen Book Club. "Dean thinks Austen's the capital of Texas!"

10. The concept of play in Peter Pan.

11. Jaffles.

12. Waffles.

13. Sheba's Breasts.

14. EXAMS.

Title: Christmas Eve at Chrestomanci Castle
Universe: Diana Wynne Jones' Chrestomanci series
Word Count: 432
Notes: For annemjw who asked for "Millie/Chrestomanci in lateish teens".

( “This is our last christmas at Chrestomanci Castle as children,” Millie said as Christopher stoked the fire gloomily. )

Title:
Universe: Greek and Roman mythology, more particularly, empiresof
Word Count: 441
Notes: Written for tormentacorazon who requested a Dido drabble.

( I’m supervising at the school leavers’ ball, trying to blend into the walls. )

In other news, have Aimee's life in list format:

1. I am teaching real students real speech and drama as of last week. This wants to be sick into my breakfast cereal, but I have taken the first lesson and it wasn't too awful.

2. I read Forest of Hands and Teeth and couldn't sleep that night in case the zombies got me.

3. I had a speech theory exam on Shakespeare yesterday morning, which was spectacularly lame. Here is the question I did not answer because it was so FREAKING pathetic: To what extent do you consider the plays of Shakespeare have changed your outlook on the way you see yourself and the world?

4. I am writing an essay on the purpose of Rhoda's continual failure in Tom and Some Other Girls.

5. In tangentially related news, I fell in love with the title's Tom. Harold was an acceptable character until he dissed Tom and then he was put straight in my bad books. I want to be Tom's secretary at her boarding school for girls and hang out in the den with her when it all gets too much.

6. I have decided to write a series about teenagers who have a supernatural grandparent. So there's Slightly the part-Banshee whose cry heralds the common cold. Melissa is part-mermaid: her legs are covered in scales but when she sings, the boys totally swarm around her. Wanda is part-werewolf: she becomes remarkably hirsute during the full moon.

7. I discovered the internet on my phone.

8. So we were talking in English about how the boys in school stories who have these intense romantic friendships always marry their best friend's sister. Harry Potter marries his best friend's sister. It's not Oedipal, it's Victorian! And slightly homoerotic.

9. Dylan Moran was a drunken Irish God.

10. I failed at playing at My Little Pony at babysitting yesterday. I can read a kick-ass story but I can no longer play imaginary games. It's kind of upsetting.

11. Our neighbour downstairs came up at three o'clock in the morning a couple of weeks ago to complain about the noise of Emily typing above her bed. I KNOW. WTF.

12. I graduate on tuesday. Looking forward to wearing Hogwarts robes.

And that is all.

Jane Austen: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE by Mary Holtby

'Marry well' is Bennet tenet: Bingley singly must remain
Since classy Darcy (Lizzy-dizzy) thinks he's far too good for Jane.
Rummy mummy, jaunty aunty, these would drag both gallants down -
Plus the younger siblings' dribblings over officers in town.
See the specious Wickham trick 'em with his tales of birthright gloom,
See how hideous Lydia's ruin looms before she gets her groom;
Glassy Darcy saves the bacon, shaken out of former pride:
Is he Lizzy's destined love, to shove her prejudice aside?
Has she clout to flout that matron, patroness of priestly coz
(He whose ludicrous proposing Rosings rules - like all he does)?
Darcy oughter court her daughter, destined his through two decades ...
'Mulish, foolish girl, remember Pemberley's polluted shades!'
Dare she share his great estate, or can't Aunt Catherine be defied?
Yes! And ere their bells ring jingly, Bingley too shall claim his bride.

*

Try saying that three times fast. I was so desperate to use it for my speech exam but it didn't fit my theme appropriately.

Yesterday I bought Mills and Boon novels with birthday vouchers Ana had given me for that specific purpose. annemjw and I went shopping for the worst titles in the 'Sexy' range. This is what I got.

Ruthless Tycoon, Inexperienced Mistress: Given my incredibly low expectations was relatively unoffensive in that the woman refused to marry the tycoon until he declared his love for her and won't allow herself to be threatened by him - even though she was Pregnant with his Child - and gets really pissed off when he makes her move house closer to him. It also included the most hilarious synonym for penis ever: "massive, throbbing shaft of steel".

At the Argentinean Billionare's Bidding (from the INTERNATIONAL BILLIONARES miniseries of Mills and Boon): This involved sexy football playing men and designers with hidden secrets and a lot to prove. And the main character was all 'Stop this sexual harrassment, you are my employer', which was neat until she didn't do anything about the blatant, inappropriate sexual harrassment which ensued after that.

The Greek's Million-Dollar Baby Bargain: This one was kind of gross. The hero had nothing but contempt for her the whole way through but still decided to seduce her. But it was actually because he hated her slutty sister. And it turns out her sister was only slutty because she'd been raped as a teenager by her foster father.

Virgin Mistress, Scandalous Love-Child: This one takes the cake though. Diogo, owner of a large company and I'm not joking about the spelling, takes his young secretary to Rio de Janeiro, seduces her and impregnates her. She decides to marry her childhood sweetheart Timothy for the security of a good life (her sweetheart incidentally sells babies to rich people and couldn't have been more of a villain if he'd had a moustache to twirl) but Diogo kidnaps her when they're saying to vows because he's just figured out that the kid might be his. He takes her to Rio de Janeiro, forces her to marry him and doesn't understand why she might be the teensiest bit upset about this. But Timothy turns up and holds her hostage and Diogo comes running to the rescue because he has realised how much he loves her and they have TWINS.

This prompted a list.
What I have learnt from Mills and Boon
1. You will ALWAYS get pregnant when you sleep with your sexy, playboy boss.
2. He will want to keep the child but being straight out of some bizarre 1800 period, will decide that the two of you must wed so the child is not a bastard.
3. Women's jobs and personal lives are pretty much expendable.
4. There will always be a time in your life where you have to tell your sexy playboy boss that you feel nothing for him and he will proceed to demonstrate that you have an intense, passionate physical connection.
5. Men always have a dark past trapped beneath their shuttered eyes.
6. It is only worth it if he's a billionare.
7. Revenge is best served in the bedroom.
8. Even if you hate someone, you will share searing sexual tension and have sexual encounters every second chapter.

Deeply disturbed on so many levels now. I'm pretty sure my flatmates are too, I kept up a running commentary all last night.

Love Aimee

I must not use the word "wanker" in my English essay I must not use the word "wanker" in my English essay I must not use the word "wanker" in my English essay

Hannah's alternative suggestion was "prolific hermaphrodite". MIND. BLOWN.

Love Aimee

PS 21st Party was very very lovely. Thank you to everyone who made it extremely great. I have a picture that I must show you when Liz and Lee send it to me because it is AMAZING and I laughed so hard I almost died. Let's just say it involves photoshop manips.

I bought City of Glass because it was my birthday and because that series is my guilty pleasure series. I bought it at Borders because I have already embarrassed myself more times than I can count at Borders, and couldn't quite bring myself to buy it at Unity. Anyway, Nice American Boy at the counter had conversation with me:

NICE AMERICAN BOY: *points at blurb on front from Stephenie Meyer* We've had lots of people buy this book who like her.
AIMEE: I see.
NICE AMERICAN BOY: Have you read her series?
AIMEE: Unfortunately.
NICE AMERICAN BOY: Well, City of Glass seems to be really popular.
AIMEE: This series is about a million times better written than Twilight.
NICE AMERICAN BOY: Yeah, I heard her writing was a little cheesy.
AIMEE: That's...one way of putting it, I guess.

City of Glass really impressed me. ( REVIEW: vague spoilers )

Mostly what this series has done is cement my belief that werewolves are approximately one hundred times better than vampires. Luke is my second favourite character (admittedly after a vampire, but I don't like Simon because he is a vampire, I like him in spite of that). Maia is adorable. In the second book one of my favourite parts was the werewolf bar scene. And then you have Jacob Black in the Twilight series who, despite his icky faults, is a much better character and love interest than Edward. And Remus Lupin. And Derek in The Summoning by Kelley Armstrong who has been my favourite possible love interest this year. And more that I can't think of at the moment. Who is your favourite werewolf?

Okay, back to essay. So much to do, so little time. We had a seminar on Pirates yesterday, which was rad.
Love Aimee

Couldn't resist. This is such a fantastic question.
If I ran afoul of the law I would like Thursday Next to help me. Let's be honest, it would be the most awesome thing in the universe. Also, if things went really badly she could bring out a whole bunch of fictional detectives to help out from literature. It really is the perfect choice.

In other news, 21!

In other other news, doing my seminar. I am really really writing it. This is my short break, but I have been doing it for an hour, have finished one point and the introduction. It will hopefully not be awful. Essay is not so much being done as being shelved and occasionally panicked about. Everyone I've talked to in Victorian Adolescence is about as prepared as me for the essay so I don't feel too awful.

In further news, I possibly have a plot for the Zombie Intermediate novel. What's something that could go horribly wrong if kids went on Egyptian Camp that would allow Janey and her trusty sidekick to save the day?

This is your nice present.

empiresof

Empire - the town where everyone knows your name, your tragic personal history, your significant other and what you did last summer.

Set predominately at the two rival schools, Greek High School and Roman College, empiresof will take you on a rollicking soap opera of a journey through Greek and Roman mythology, literature and history.

So everyone should totally go and follow it, right.

*

Dairy Diaries in the next entry. Promise.

Do you know what I realised, sitting in Reading foodcourt and writing? When I am trying to imagine how my characters would look or feel at certain moments, I pull faces. So, my character says to her best friend, "She’s not interested, Tom. Stop throwing yourself at her." And I sit there trying to work out his exact reaction by pulling faces.

Sometimes I forget that I am not in my bedroom. It is a good time.

The past few days I have been awful and snappy and a total bitch. It has not been my finest few days. I was horrible and opinionated in Creative Writing on Thursday and have been stone-faced and sullen to customers at work.

( Answers to meme, as requested by Anne )

Now, you have some options for my next entry. What shall I write about? Take a vote. I may or may not take your vote into consideration.

1. Northanger Abbey: underappreciated genius of a text and why I love it most
2. Me and Cheese
3. Things that should happen more frequently at supermarkets
4. Spotlight: the musical
5. Or give me a topic.

I'm pretty sure my dad just said, "that's a waste of space" and my mum just replied "you're a waste of space, ooh". This could only be improved if Dad then said "your face is a waste of space" and then Mum said "your mum's a waste of space".

Love Aimee

The 15 OTPs in 15 words or less meme, where you have to guess which OTP is which by my lame descriptions:

1. He would read her Fordyces' Sermons in bed.
2. You really got me.
3. He's a Tory, but she deserves a full-sized one.
4. He loves her because she loved him so enthusiastically. - Catherine Morland/Henry Tilney, guessed by annemjw
5. Always the tone of surprise. - Ron/Hermione, guessed by tormentacorazon
6. He's her gun.
7. A happy ever after would be hair-raising.
8. Smirks, raised eyebrows and ridiculous Christmas presents. - Zacharias/Lavender, guessed by tormentacorazon and annemjw
9. There's a double meaning in everything they say to each other. - Beatrice/Benedick, guessed by annemjw
10. They got married so they could argue some more. - Shasta/Aravis, guessed by tormentacorazon
11. I cried when he died but she kicked ass. - Wash/Zoe, guessed by annemjw
12. Tolerable I suppose.
13. Apparently, he writes Doctor Who now.
14. She waits twenty years for him.
15. A tale as old as time. - Beauty/Beast, guessed by annemjw

So you know Shakespeare right? Has he become the Godwin's Law of literary argument?

Also, watching Chamber of Secrets last night. If someone has glasses can they therefore be protected from the basilisk's stare because there is that layer of glass between their eyes? Surely that's about as substantial as 'ghost' or 'camera lens' or whatever. So therefore, as long as I wear my glasses at all times, a basilisk can't kill me.

There is a movie being made called Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead. This would be the best movie if it was about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern coming back from the dead to feast on Hamlet's brains.

Why do I always leave my crit letters to nine o'clock on the night before they're due?

Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet, David Tennant's Hamlet, Mel Gibson's Hamlet? Shag, Marry, Cliff.

Nicola had to roll around on the floor laughing at me on Monday (which I am sure is not good for the heavily pregnant) because I tried to staple some papers together and the stapler had run out of staples and I almost cried. Well, not exactly but my face looked a lot like this: D: (I tried to take a photo but I can't even re-enact the tragedy of the moment. Just give me a stapleless stapler and ask me to bind all your files together and it'll happen) Am I completely pathetic?

Can I just ask? Why would one write Jane Austen paraliterature if one had, and I quote, "never been a fan of Austen's"?

I'm sorry. I don't get it. Mary Bennet's character fascinates you, sure. But writing a novel based on Pride and Prejudice, which assassinates the characterisation and charm of Austen's most well-known and loved characters? Seriously.

Also, there's the horrible misinterpretation of the central plot of Pride and Prejudice that really gets my goat. Elizabeth Bennet does not try to change Mr Darcy. He changes himself. She is a reason for the change but she doesn't expect it and ask it of him. Darcy is a self-made man.

But then my favourite Austen paraliterature is the Carrie Bebris Mr and Mrs Darcy mysteries (Pride and Precience, Suspense and Sensibility, North by Northanger - I love it!) What would I know?

*

In other Jane Austen-related news, I watched Lost in Austen and it was excrutiating - except when it was actually very funny. I would like to see that cast act the novel, but it was unfortunate that such an obnoxious Mary-Sue (and I don't use that term lightly given that I think it's mostly inaccurate and horribly overused) was the lead character. Inevitable, I suppose.

*

And Jane Austen strikes again. I have come to the conclusion that I will never fall in love with Mr Darcy, not properly, because he is far too much like me - in all the bad ways. Socially akward, judgmental, holds terrific grudges...

*

Liz and I were talking a while back about The Jane Austen Book Club. I decided I was going to write The REAL Jane Austen Book Club - in which her seven heroines form a book club and read novels and poetry and stuff.

Emma coughed discreetly and a hush fell over the room. Next to her, Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Catherine giggled, covering her mouth with one gloved hand. "Shall we begin?" Mrs Knightly asked, although it wasn't really a question so much as an order.

"I adore Coleridge!" Marianne exclaimed. She brushed a curl from her face, cheeks flushed pink and eyes bright.

"'Christabel' is amusing," Elinor said, "But also ridiculous. Is it parody?"

"I think Coleridge intended it as parody," Anne said. "The line about the clocks striking time and the repetition of the toothless mastiff bitch are too heightened to be entirely serious."

"I love that he is writing poetry for the joy of it," Elizabeth said. "Wordsworth should do more of that."

"Wordsworth is wonderful," Marianne said, jaw tightening.

"You are disposed to love the Romantics," Elinor reminded her sister. "Not everyone feels the same way."

"Shall I call for tea?" Fanny asked. Emma sniffed: that should have been her task.

I think I shall always start the year with ridiculous Jane Austen obsessing.

Love Aimee