This is my list of YA girl crushes.

1. Cassandra Mortmain from Dodie Smith's I Capture the Castle

Cassandra is a wonderful mix of Bronte and Austen, of Elinor and Marianne, of all the spunky, attractive, intelligent Shakespearean heroines, and more than a pinch of her own marvelous qualities. Cassandra is an observer, the sane one in a family of dramatists. Her narrative is beautiful, with the best first line in literature. And she gets things wrong: she falls in love with the wrong person, she treats Stephen abominably sometimes, and she doesn't always know how to deal with situations.

I love her relationship with Rose, stemming from my love of sisters in novels. There are too many wonderful moments in this book for me to pick my favourite, but one of them has got to be her first meeting with the Cotton men - where her arms are dyed green and she's hidden by clothes while in the bath. And the ending for Cassandra is magnificent.

2. Sophie Hatter from Diana Wynne Jones' Howl's Moving Castle

What I love about Sophie is that she starts off so shy and retiring, and when turned into an old woman she gives up on it. She's nosy, impulsive, bossy and forthright. I pretty much adore her. She's in the two sequels as well, and is equally as awesome in each. I love how unromantic she is, and coupled with Howl, this makes the pair of them one of my favourite romantic couples.

And her magic is magnificent.

3. Ilse Burnley from L. M. Montgomery's Emily of New Moon and sequels

I am an Anne girl through and through but Ilse is my favourite secondary character. She's Emily's best friend and couldn't be more different to Anne's bosom friend, Diana. Ilse is beautiful, an orator and actress, and has the worst temper in the world. She wears outrageous clothes beautifully. She also has the best insults in the world.

4. Sisi from William Nicholson's Wind on Fire trilogy

No longer my favourite fantasy series of all time, but I still adore Sisi. She began my infatuation with characters who have scars, by disfigured beauty. Sisi begins as a beautiful but spoilt princess on route to marry a man she has never met. She learns to want more from life, journeying with the Manth people to the promised land and falls in love with Bowman.

My favourite part of her is her absolute security that she and Bowman are going to marry and live happily ever after, despite all Bowman's insistence that he must die. She is focused and simple and her development as a character, I find more interesting than Kestrel and Bowman.

5. Deeba from China Mieville's Un Lun Dun

Deeba is the archetypal sidekick thrust into the position of heroine in the novel and not terribly impressed with the whole process. She is fearless and has a fantastic sense of humour and is not going to be bound by the stupid rules of the fantasy quest.
I have less of a crush on Deeba and more of an overwhelming desire to hang out together and train to become extreme librarians.

Honourable Mentions:
- Laura Chant from Margaret Mahy's The Changeover
- Justine Kalinsky and Tara Finke from Melina Marchetta's Saving Francesca
- Mae from Sarah Rees Brennan's The Demon's Lexicon
- Ginny from Maureen Johnson's 13 Little Blue Envelopes
- Isabelle from Cassandra Clare's Mortal Instruments trilogy
- Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley
- Tom from Mrs George de Horne Vaizey's Tom and Some Other Girls
- Millie from Diana Wynne Jones' Chrestomanci series

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ALSO I am ill, my grades are still not back and I have not done nearly enough work for the next half of the year due to this.

My Top Five YA Crushes In No Particular Order (Formerly seen here and here and in a bunch of other places)

1. Sorenson Carlisle from Margaret Mahy's The Changeover

This is partly nostalgic because, my God, did I have the biggest crush on him when I was sixteen? I love his stutter and his romance novel reading and the fact that Laura doesn't put up with any of his crap.

2. Gilbert Blythe from L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables

Everyone has him on their list and no wonder. He continues the persevere with Anne, in the face of all obstacles. He is adorable and practical and has a good sense of humour (which I love particularly in reaction to the scrapes his children go through). I think my favourite moment is when Anne is imagining her life in her castle in the sky with her dark and mysterious stranger and Gilbert keeps showing up to help move the furniture and wallpaper the rooms and she just can't understand why.

Gilbert Blythe is also a thoroughly decent human being and a character who I would like to be best friends with in real life.

3. Howl from Diana Wynne Jones' Howl's Moving Castle

Howl is one of the most fascinating, charming and contrary characters created. Howl fascinates me because he is literally heartless, yet so very loveable - and he seems to care so much about the people he isn't trying to seduce, although he'd never admit it. His relationships with Michael and Calcifer and Sophie are multifaceted and interesting and, despite everything, he has a sense of morality.

Also, he is entirely comprised of faults, which Sophie lists off in The Castle in the Air, which I find very endearing.

4. Thomas MacKee from Melina Marchetta's Saving Francesca

Melina Marchetta writes good male characters. Will Trombal is the romantic hero in this novel, and I like him, I really do, but Thomas is the character that tears my heart to little shreds. He's such a dickhead. Like, he objectifies girls and has a fondness for fart jokes and can be really vicious. Like, Francesca thinks that they're maybe getting somewhere and could have a conversation about real issues and be best friends and then he points of some girls' tits and she thinks again.

And as the novel goes on he becomes closer to the girls and we find out more about him and his sense of humour and his decency and social conscience and his love of music. This is the boy who will dance to 'I'm Your Venus' in drama class and who learns all of Francesca's Lady Macbeth Monologues because he's bitter that he has to be Banquo and say 'Fly Fleance Fly!' Plus, he is wicked funny and has a total crush on Tara, the girl who fights for any and all causes in a way that is so hysterical at the same time as she has a valid point to make.

I think my favourite Thomas moment has got to be this scene:

Thomas Mackee packs up his stuff and stands up. "You chicks give me the shits," he says.
"You, on the other hand, brighten up our day," I tell him. "We all regard you as a god."
"You know what we all call you? Bitch Spice, Butch Spice, Slut Spice and Stupid Spice."

And then the four girls spend hours dissecting this information. This is my father's favourite moment in literature.

5. Calvin O'Keefe from Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time

Calvin is lovely. He's a tall, redheaded, basketball player. And he's sensitive and tries to keep people happy and together. And he falls for Meg, even when she thinks she's repulsive.

Honourable Mentions: Will Trombal (the adorable hero) and Jimmy Hailler (for the Sound of Music jokes and Sci-fi/fantasy obsession) from Saving Francesca, Simon from the Mortal Instruments series, Ron Weasley, Derek from Kelley Armstrong's The Summoning, and Spencer from Maureen Johnson's Suite Scarlett.

I should also point out that every single one of these YA males has an at least equally awesome female counterpart, who should definitely be acknowledged. I could not like these YA males without their awesome female counterparts. People, write more kickass females for me to read and enjoy.
1. Laura Chant (for scaring Sorry and turning the world upside down to save her baby brother)
2. Anne Shirley (who breaks a slate over a small boy's head for a perceived insult and holds the mother of all grudges)
3. Sophie Hatter (who spends most of the novel as an old woman and still manages to kick Howl's ass)
4. Tara Finke (and all the girls in Saving Francesca who make this novel the most awesome novel in the universe - especially Justine)
5. Meg Murry (for rocking at science and saving the day with love, in the least lame way possible)

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Also, thing I have discovered today. I can do the Vulcan Salute with my right hand but not with my left. I'm a left hander in a big way. As in, when I was in Kapa Haka for three weeks and I tried to do the finger-wavey move (look at my cultural sensitivity), I could not do it with my right hand. I cannot throw a ball with my right hand. I cannot write decipherably with my right hand. I cannot do makeup with my right hand (I mean, I can't with my left either, but my right is worse).

My right hand is the nerdy hand that would be picked last for gym, so I guess it stands to reason that the only thing it's good for is symbols of pure nerdery.

Kirsten has this theory about New Zealand writers. "They all have perms, Aimee," she says. "You're going to have to get one."
"Kirsten, they don't all have perms," I say. "My mother is a New Zealand writer and she does not have a perm."
"Well," she concedes. "Not perms. But they all have crazy hair. You cannot deny that your mother was at the height of her triangle hair in her book council photo. You try it. Go to the book council website." I go. "Now search for an author. Say, Kate De Goldi."
Kate De Goldi has crazy hair. And also, very dramatic lipstick. We have a discussion about her lipstick colour for some time. The photo is in black and white, so this is a futile discussion.
"You set that up," I say. "I am fully choosing my own author." I click to 'M' and select someone whose name I don't recognise.
"Aha!" Kirsten cries. "PERM." She shakes her head sorrowfully. "I'm sorry, Aimee. You're going to have to crazy up your hair." She reaches over to ruffle my hair so that it sticks up on one side. "There you go," she says. "Author photo!"

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I may have edited this for artistic interest but I feel the core of the conversation is as it is.

In other news, Green Wing has taken over my existence. I really must get the second season so I can stop watching the same episodes over and over again.

Also, the best thing I have seen on the internet all week is Buffy vs. Edward.

1. If masturbation in Victorian adolescent literature is a sort of 'closeted narcissism' because it puts the self before the side, why are there not more cricket team orgies in nineteenth century school stories?

2. Charlie Bit Me.

3. David Morrisey. Best Colonel Brandon or BEST Colonel Brandon?

4. Where I will go to teacher's college if NZGSE doesn't work out.

5. Why Abba has so many more hits on my iTunes than ANY OTHER BAND.

6. Dahl and rice and chappati.

7. Teapots.

8. The Demon's Lexicon by Sarah Rees Brennan (review to follow when annemjw gives my copy back).

9. How so many spell Jane Austen's surname 'Austin'. And this makes me think of the film of The Jane Austen Book Club. "Dean thinks Austen's the capital of Texas!"

10. The concept of play in Peter Pan.

11. Jaffles.

12. Waffles.

13. Sheba's Breasts.

14. EXAMS.

Title: Christmas Eve at Chrestomanci Castle
Universe: Diana Wynne Jones' Chrestomanci series
Word Count: 432
Notes: For annemjw who asked for "Millie/Chrestomanci in lateish teens".

( “This is our last christmas at Chrestomanci Castle as children,” Millie said as Christopher stoked the fire gloomily. )

Title:
Universe: Greek and Roman mythology, more particularly, empiresof
Word Count: 441
Notes: Written for tormentacorazon who requested a Dido drabble.

( I’m supervising at the school leavers’ ball, trying to blend into the walls. )

In other news, have Aimee's life in list format:

1. I am teaching real students real speech and drama as of last week. This wants to be sick into my breakfast cereal, but I have taken the first lesson and it wasn't too awful.

2. I read Forest of Hands and Teeth and couldn't sleep that night in case the zombies got me.

3. I had a speech theory exam on Shakespeare yesterday morning, which was spectacularly lame. Here is the question I did not answer because it was so FREAKING pathetic: To what extent do you consider the plays of Shakespeare have changed your outlook on the way you see yourself and the world?

4. I am writing an essay on the purpose of Rhoda's continual failure in Tom and Some Other Girls.

5. In tangentially related news, I fell in love with the title's Tom. Harold was an acceptable character until he dissed Tom and then he was put straight in my bad books. I want to be Tom's secretary at her boarding school for girls and hang out in the den with her when it all gets too much.

6. I have decided to write a series about teenagers who have a supernatural grandparent. So there's Slightly the part-Banshee whose cry heralds the common cold. Melissa is part-mermaid: her legs are covered in scales but when she sings, the boys totally swarm around her. Wanda is part-werewolf: she becomes remarkably hirsute during the full moon.

7. I discovered the internet on my phone.

8. So we were talking in English about how the boys in school stories who have these intense romantic friendships always marry their best friend's sister. Harry Potter marries his best friend's sister. It's not Oedipal, it's Victorian! And slightly homoerotic.

9. Dylan Moran was a drunken Irish God.

10. I failed at playing at My Little Pony at babysitting yesterday. I can read a kick-ass story but I can no longer play imaginary games. It's kind of upsetting.

11. Our neighbour downstairs came up at three o'clock in the morning a couple of weeks ago to complain about the noise of Emily typing above her bed. I KNOW. WTF.

12. I graduate on tuesday. Looking forward to wearing Hogwarts robes.

And that is all.

Jane Austen: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE by Mary Holtby

'Marry well' is Bennet tenet: Bingley singly must remain
Since classy Darcy (Lizzy-dizzy) thinks he's far too good for Jane.
Rummy mummy, jaunty aunty, these would drag both gallants down -
Plus the younger siblings' dribblings over officers in town.
See the specious Wickham trick 'em with his tales of birthright gloom,
See how hideous Lydia's ruin looms before she gets her groom;
Glassy Darcy saves the bacon, shaken out of former pride:
Is he Lizzy's destined love, to shove her prejudice aside?
Has she clout to flout that matron, patroness of priestly coz
(He whose ludicrous proposing Rosings rules - like all he does)?
Darcy oughter court her daughter, destined his through two decades ...
'Mulish, foolish girl, remember Pemberley's polluted shades!'
Dare she share his great estate, or can't Aunt Catherine be defied?
Yes! And ere their bells ring jingly, Bingley too shall claim his bride.

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Try saying that three times fast. I was so desperate to use it for my speech exam but it didn't fit my theme appropriately.

Yesterday I bought Mills and Boon novels with birthday vouchers Ana had given me for that specific purpose. annemjw and I went shopping for the worst titles in the 'Sexy' range. This is what I got.

Ruthless Tycoon, Inexperienced Mistress: Given my incredibly low expectations was relatively unoffensive in that the woman refused to marry the tycoon until he declared his love for her and won't allow herself to be threatened by him - even though she was Pregnant with his Child - and gets really pissed off when he makes her move house closer to him. It also included the most hilarious synonym for penis ever: "massive, throbbing shaft of steel".

At the Argentinean Billionare's Bidding (from the INTERNATIONAL BILLIONARES miniseries of Mills and Boon): This involved sexy football playing men and designers with hidden secrets and a lot to prove. And the main character was all 'Stop this sexual harrassment, you are my employer', which was neat until she didn't do anything about the blatant, inappropriate sexual harrassment which ensued after that.

The Greek's Million-Dollar Baby Bargain: This one was kind of gross. The hero had nothing but contempt for her the whole way through but still decided to seduce her. But it was actually because he hated her slutty sister. And it turns out her sister was only slutty because she'd been raped as a teenager by her foster father.

Virgin Mistress, Scandalous Love-Child: This one takes the cake though. Diogo, owner of a large company and I'm not joking about the spelling, takes his young secretary to Rio de Janeiro, seduces her and impregnates her. She decides to marry her childhood sweetheart Timothy for the security of a good life (her sweetheart incidentally sells babies to rich people and couldn't have been more of a villain if he'd had a moustache to twirl) but Diogo kidnaps her when they're saying to vows because he's just figured out that the kid might be his. He takes her to Rio de Janeiro, forces her to marry him and doesn't understand why she might be the teensiest bit upset about this. But Timothy turns up and holds her hostage and Diogo comes running to the rescue because he has realised how much he loves her and they have TWINS.

This prompted a list.
What I have learnt from Mills and Boon
1. You will ALWAYS get pregnant when you sleep with your sexy, playboy boss.
2. He will want to keep the child but being straight out of some bizarre 1800 period, will decide that the two of you must wed so the child is not a bastard.
3. Women's jobs and personal lives are pretty much expendable.
4. There will always be a time in your life where you have to tell your sexy playboy boss that you feel nothing for him and he will proceed to demonstrate that you have an intense, passionate physical connection.
5. Men always have a dark past trapped beneath their shuttered eyes.
6. It is only worth it if he's a billionare.
7. Revenge is best served in the bedroom.
8. Even if you hate someone, you will share searing sexual tension and have sexual encounters every second chapter.

Deeply disturbed on so many levels now. I'm pretty sure my flatmates are too, I kept up a running commentary all last night.

Love Aimee

I must not use the word "wanker" in my English essay I must not use the word "wanker" in my English essay I must not use the word "wanker" in my English essay

Hannah's alternative suggestion was "prolific hermaphrodite". MIND. BLOWN.

Love Aimee

PS 21st Party was very very lovely. Thank you to everyone who made it extremely great. I have a picture that I must show you when Liz and Lee send it to me because it is AMAZING and I laughed so hard I almost died. Let's just say it involves photoshop manips.

I bought City of Glass because it was my birthday and because that series is my guilty pleasure series. I bought it at Borders because I have already embarrassed myself more times than I can count at Borders, and couldn't quite bring myself to buy it at Unity. Anyway, Nice American Boy at the counter had conversation with me:

NICE AMERICAN BOY: *points at blurb on front from Stephenie Meyer* We've had lots of people buy this book who like her.
AIMEE: I see.
NICE AMERICAN BOY: Have you read her series?
AIMEE: Unfortunately.
NICE AMERICAN BOY: Well, City of Glass seems to be really popular.
AIMEE: This series is about a million times better written than Twilight.
NICE AMERICAN BOY: Yeah, I heard her writing was a little cheesy.
AIMEE: That's...one way of putting it, I guess.

City of Glass really impressed me. ( REVIEW: vague spoilers )

Mostly what this series has done is cement my belief that werewolves are approximately one hundred times better than vampires. Luke is my second favourite character (admittedly after a vampire, but I don't like Simon because he is a vampire, I like him in spite of that). Maia is adorable. In the second book one of my favourite parts was the werewolf bar scene. And then you have Jacob Black in the Twilight series who, despite his icky faults, is a much better character and love interest than Edward. And Remus Lupin. And Derek in The Summoning by Kelley Armstrong who has been my favourite possible love interest this year. And more that I can't think of at the moment. Who is your favourite werewolf?

Okay, back to essay. So much to do, so little time. We had a seminar on Pirates yesterday, which was rad.
Love Aimee

Couldn't resist. This is such a fantastic question.
If I ran afoul of the law I would like Thursday Next to help me. Let's be honest, it would be the most awesome thing in the universe. Also, if things went really badly she could bring out a whole bunch of fictional detectives to help out from literature. It really is the perfect choice.

In other news, 21!

In other other news, doing my seminar. I am really really writing it. This is my short break, but I have been doing it for an hour, have finished one point and the introduction. It will hopefully not be awful. Essay is not so much being done as being shelved and occasionally panicked about. Everyone I've talked to in Victorian Adolescence is about as prepared as me for the essay so I don't feel too awful.

In further news, I possibly have a plot for the Zombie Intermediate novel. What's something that could go horribly wrong if kids went on Egyptian Camp that would allow Janey and her trusty sidekick to save the day?

This is your nice present.

empiresof

Empire - the town where everyone knows your name, your tragic personal history, your significant other and what you did last summer.

Set predominately at the two rival schools, Greek High School and Roman College, empiresof will take you on a rollicking soap opera of a journey through Greek and Roman mythology, literature and history.

So everyone should totally go and follow it, right.

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Dairy Diaries in the next entry. Promise.

Do you know what I realised, sitting in Reading foodcourt and writing? When I am trying to imagine how my characters would look or feel at certain moments, I pull faces. So, my character says to her best friend, "She’s not interested, Tom. Stop throwing yourself at her." And I sit there trying to work out his exact reaction by pulling faces.

Sometimes I forget that I am not in my bedroom. It is a good time.

The past few days I have been awful and snappy and a total bitch. It has not been my finest few days. I was horrible and opinionated in Creative Writing on Thursday and have been stone-faced and sullen to customers at work.

( Answers to meme, as requested by Anne )

Now, you have some options for my next entry. What shall I write about? Take a vote. I may or may not take your vote into consideration.

1. Northanger Abbey: underappreciated genius of a text and why I love it most
2. Me and Cheese
3. Things that should happen more frequently at supermarkets
4. Spotlight: the musical
5. Or give me a topic.

I'm pretty sure my dad just said, "that's a waste of space" and my mum just replied "you're a waste of space, ooh". This could only be improved if Dad then said "your face is a waste of space" and then Mum said "your mum's a waste of space".

Love Aimee

The 15 OTPs in 15 words or less meme, where you have to guess which OTP is which by my lame descriptions:

1. He would read her Fordyces' Sermons in bed.
2. You really got me.
3. He's a Tory, but she deserves a full-sized one.
4. He loves her because she loved him so enthusiastically. - Catherine Morland/Henry Tilney, guessed by annemjw
5. Always the tone of surprise. - Ron/Hermione, guessed by tormentacorazon
6. He's her gun.
7. A happy ever after would be hair-raising.
8. Smirks, raised eyebrows and ridiculous Christmas presents. - Zacharias/Lavender, guessed by tormentacorazon and annemjw
9. There's a double meaning in everything they say to each other. - Beatrice/Benedick, guessed by annemjw
10. They got married so they could argue some more. - Shasta/Aravis, guessed by tormentacorazon
11. I cried when he died but she kicked ass. - Wash/Zoe, guessed by annemjw
12. Tolerable I suppose.
13. Apparently, he writes Doctor Who now.
14. She waits twenty years for him.
15. A tale as old as time. - Beauty/Beast, guessed by annemjw

So you know Shakespeare right? Has he become the Godwin's Law of literary argument?

Also, watching Chamber of Secrets last night. If someone has glasses can they therefore be protected from the basilisk's stare because there is that layer of glass between their eyes? Surely that's about as substantial as 'ghost' or 'camera lens' or whatever. So therefore, as long as I wear my glasses at all times, a basilisk can't kill me.

There is a movie being made called Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead. This would be the best movie if it was about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern coming back from the dead to feast on Hamlet's brains.

Why do I always leave my crit letters to nine o'clock on the night before they're due?

Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet, David Tennant's Hamlet, Mel Gibson's Hamlet? Shag, Marry, Cliff.

Nicola had to roll around on the floor laughing at me on Monday (which I am sure is not good for the heavily pregnant) because I tried to staple some papers together and the stapler had run out of staples and I almost cried. Well, not exactly but my face looked a lot like this: D: (I tried to take a photo but I can't even re-enact the tragedy of the moment. Just give me a stapleless stapler and ask me to bind all your files together and it'll happen) Am I completely pathetic?

Can I just ask? Why would one write Jane Austen paraliterature if one had, and I quote, "never been a fan of Austen's"?

I'm sorry. I don't get it. Mary Bennet's character fascinates you, sure. But writing a novel based on Pride and Prejudice, which assassinates the characterisation and charm of Austen's most well-known and loved characters? Seriously.

Also, there's the horrible misinterpretation of the central plot of Pride and Prejudice that really gets my goat. Elizabeth Bennet does not try to change Mr Darcy. He changes himself. She is a reason for the change but she doesn't expect it and ask it of him. Darcy is a self-made man.

But then my favourite Austen paraliterature is the Carrie Bebris Mr and Mrs Darcy mysteries (Pride and Precience, Suspense and Sensibility, North by Northanger - I love it!) What would I know?

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In other Jane Austen-related news, I watched Lost in Austen and it was excrutiating - except when it was actually very funny. I would like to see that cast act the novel, but it was unfortunate that such an obnoxious Mary-Sue (and I don't use that term lightly given that I think it's mostly inaccurate and horribly overused) was the lead character. Inevitable, I suppose.

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And Jane Austen strikes again. I have come to the conclusion that I will never fall in love with Mr Darcy, not properly, because he is far too much like me - in all the bad ways. Socially akward, judgmental, holds terrific grudges...

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Liz and I were talking a while back about The Jane Austen Book Club. I decided I was going to write The REAL Jane Austen Book Club - in which her seven heroines form a book club and read novels and poetry and stuff.

Emma coughed discreetly and a hush fell over the room. Next to her, Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Catherine giggled, covering her mouth with one gloved hand. "Shall we begin?" Mrs Knightly asked, although it wasn't really a question so much as an order.

"I adore Coleridge!" Marianne exclaimed. She brushed a curl from her face, cheeks flushed pink and eyes bright.

"'Christabel' is amusing," Elinor said, "But also ridiculous. Is it parody?"

"I think Coleridge intended it as parody," Anne said. "The line about the clocks striking time and the repetition of the toothless mastiff bitch are too heightened to be entirely serious."

"I love that he is writing poetry for the joy of it," Elizabeth said. "Wordsworth should do more of that."

"Wordsworth is wonderful," Marianne said, jaw tightening.

"You are disposed to love the Romantics," Elinor reminded her sister. "Not everyone feels the same way."

"Shall I call for tea?" Fanny asked. Emma sniffed: that should have been her task.

I think I shall always start the year with ridiculous Jane Austen obsessing.

Love Aimee

Last night was my grandparent's sixtieth wedding anniversary. They are pretty much the most adorable married couple ever. Caitlin did not join me getting quietly drunk in the corner this time because of the three exams she has in the next two days, but I soldiered bravely on alone. I fear the photos that were taken while I did not have my photo face on.

Let me tell you, livejournal friends, you have not lived until you have sat through a conversation with a big group of over eighties. First there was the deplorable lack of disabled car parks. And there are so many parks for prams! The injustice. And that new Queensgate mall, how about it? Do you know what they did? They moved the post box. To which one of the elderly males only half listening exclaimed "Oh no!" in such a deadpan voice I got the giggles. There's those dreadful new-fangled escalators without steps, which Audrey fell down and a Black man helped her up at the bottom.

I swear, this discussion went on for a good twenty minutes. I pity you all so much that you missed it.

I shall now recount a conversation with Caitlin. Hannah is my cousin Ramon's girlfriend, whose parents are Joy and Stewart. I met her for the first time yesterday and feel slightly sorry for her as the whole family looks on her and Ramon as Nana and Pop's only hope for great grandchildren. My Great Aunty Emily even said "Don't go putting the marriage off too long, I'm not getting any younger", which made my dad facepalm. My male cousins have the great misfortune of getting extremely lovely girlfriends that the whole family immediately adopts as their own.

CAITLIN: Have you noticed that Hannah looks a lot like Aunty Joy and Ramon looks a lot like Uncle Stewart? Isn't that interesting?
AIMEE: Okay.
CAITLIN: So I've been studying Antigone for drama...
AIMEE: And you've been making Oedipal connections all over the show?

Caitlin also notices people's eyelids. It is a bizzare thing to notice but apparently my Mum's family all have very large eyelids and deep set eyes. She made the mistake of mentioning this at a large McNaughton gathering in April and no one could stop laughing.
But it's true.

Pop was all choked up when he thanked everyone for coming and thanked Nana for the time. He could hardly get his words out. God, I love them.

Am steadily becoming addicted to Never Mind the Buzzcocks. The gay-off is the best thing ever.

Also, for a good time watch Emma Thompson and Stephen Fry's Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning skit. "You must prepare yourself, my dear, faithful darling, for the possibility that I may never be well."
(PS Stephen Fry is a total hottie in this video)

I got covered in glitter at work on Sunday because of this fabric. All I could think of was to go around to customers asking: "Do I dazzle you?"

When Twilight comes out, Anne and Lee and Liz and I are going to go. Anne and I may end up wearing a lot of glitter. I may dress up as Bella and fall over a lot. It may be hilarious.

I am also 13,500 words into my Nanowrimo story. Clearly writing without a plot, a character who I chose because I liked her name and every supernatural being ever invented agrees with me. When I get bored I include a new one. I just introduced a sexy boy vampire named Horatio.

Slightly has essentially become a great way of making me not use the word 'slightly' in any other context except her name. No more, "The trees bent slightly in the breeze" because it just sounds ridiculous. I have to say, though, I think Maggie is my favourite character (Slightly's best friend) because she's popular and completely vain and she believes in the supernatural and she just gets on with things. Slightly's just a bit too practical and selfless.

Walking up to school, Maggie said, “I do believe in them, you know.”

“Believe in what?”

“Vampires, werewolves. The supernatural.” Maggie bit her lip.

“Why?”

“I met a vampire once.”

Slightly laughed. “Tell me more.”

“I’m serious. I mean, she didn’t say she was a vampire, she didn’t say anything to me at all, but she didn’t show up in the mirror so I figured something wasn’t quite right. Really beautiful, but in a polished sort of way. A bit too bright, like, her lipstick was too red and her eyes too blue. It was creepy.”

“Where did you meet this ‘vampire’?” Slightly asked.

“At a party. Jennifer’s seventeenth.” Slightly hadn’t been at Jennifer’s seventeenth: Laney had been sick. “I was in Jennifer’s room. Laura, you remember her? Well, we were… you know.”

“Making out. Sucking face. Having a bit of a pash,” Slightly suggested.

“You make it sound so ... exactly what it was,” Maggie said, pulling a face. “Anyway, we were kissing and then Laura went to the bathroom and I waited for her and this girl came in to get her coat. And she didn’t show up in the mirror.”

“And you were entranced?”

“Well, she was stunning.”

“Is it a requirement for vampires? They only turn the sexy ones?” Slightly wondered aloud.

“Next time I see her, I’ll ask.” They’d reached the school. Girls in teal blazers milled about. “I never told you because I tried to block it out of my mind. But when you asked me on Saturday ...”

*

I bought the Laurence Olivier Pride and Prejudice at Borders today for ten dollars. I am very excited about watching it one day soon because it is completely totally hilarious. So now I have three versions of Pride and Prejudice on DVD. Excellent.

My current favourite reason is this:

Three American YA writers co-wrote a book (Let it Snow by Lauren Myracle, John Green and Maureen Johnson). A feud has begun between Maureen and John, in which they cross out each other's names on the cover of the books they sign and have begin to sign each other's books as detailed here.

I can only say: TEAM MAUREEN.

(Come on, her blog is hysterical)

*

In other news, I got taught how to fake cry today.

My dear dear friends, studying the modernist poets all day has given me fantastic, fabulous inspiration in the ways and means of writing poetry. Let me show you with an example of poetry that I have written today because of the modernists.


Emily's Laptop

A see-saw see teeter. Wet wet shining in the silver light the silver sliver.


What can I say? If Gertrude Stein's poem entitled 'Roast Potatoes' (which goes "Roast potatoes for" and, well, that is it) can be a seminal poem from a body of work of a genius, I feel 'Emily's Laptop' will place me right up there in the Genius Club. (Please note too the literary allusion to Langston Hughes' 'Sliver')

Today I have been good and bad and things in between. Good when I studied, bad when I read Rose Daughter and in between when I cooked dinner with tequila.

I also did something that scares me but probably nothing will come of it so that's all right.

In other news, flatmates gone insane. Now have new ringtone courtesy of Hannah, which goes "Tarrrtan Sarrri Bring bring". Which is a step up from "Harro Harrrooooo Harro" (seriously, this is how Hannah and her sister talk to each other, I hear them on the phone - it is HILARIOUS). However.

My baby sister is turning eighteen on Monday. She is having an Outrageous Fortune birthday party, which necessitated the buying of a leopard print dress and leopard print high heels. I am so proud to know her.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

Last night I had a dream in which I was at my grandparent's house with a pregnant woman and some friends. The pregnant woman started giving birth, which was awkward and uncomfortable (and it's entirely possible that I had had an affair with her partner, I can't remember). Anyway, I was the only one available to help her give birth so that went on for a while.

Then we looked out the windows and saw a huge swarm of spaceships. "Oh no! The Spartans!" The Spartans came and attacked us on spaceships and were going to take us away and I was just like "this is a really awkward time".

And then I woke up. Emily agrees that this is proof that I have watched too much Doctor Who.

What else has happened? Well, I got an evaluation at work. Apparently, I am an asset. Also, my boss has never seen me flustered. Oh how I laughed.

I have been writing chapter four of To the Zombie Who Lives in my Wardrobe. It is an epic chapter because things actually happen. Jonathan Cecil Montgomery is, as I write, being nicknamed Gom.

I resent my writers' group for two reasons (but not seriously) because: a) they tried to nickname Jonathan Cecil 'JC' and b) several of them told me that his language was too mature for an eleven-year-old. I am ready to defend his 'imbeciles' to the death. There was a boy in my class at Intermediate who, on one of those 'Say something nice about people' sheets that we had to hand around, wrote "Aimee is unobtrusive and works in silence", which still makes me laugh.

I am trying to avoid the cliches, which is hard because Louisa McKay is definitely a cliched popular girl. My writers' group said: find the shades of grey. I said: but this is how Janey perceives her and also there are no good qualities in Intermediate school bullies.

I am writing lists on Greek terms. I am two weeks into my lectures and I already have four pages. This worries me somewhat.
It amuses me when I come across notes in my book like that in my subject header and also "Getting naked is a very Greek thing".

Anyway, back to my lists. Good luck with study all of you who are doing that. Good luck with life. Beware Spartans in flying saucers.

Love Aimee

It distresses me that until today I was utterly convinced that Angelo and Isabella ended up together in Measure for Measure. How could they not? She was a nun, he was an arsehole. They were meant to be. It is just exactly like a Mills and Boon plot.

I printed off the first three chapters of my novel over the weekend to share with my Creative Writing class. I am freaking terrified about next week. They will hate it and hate me and tell me to burn it. Also, I realised that my story has some striking parallels to Tina's story, except instead of a rabbit I have a zombie and instead of a circus my novel is set at an intermediate school. I like to think those are differences enough.

What else has been happening? I have been procrastinating like mad over my essays and now there are a lot of due dates coming up awfully quickly. KILL ME.

Liz and I sat in the sun today and talked about Jane Austen and Harry Potter and all good fandom-y things. It was so nice to sit in the sun and talk nerd. I am enjoying the weather.

On Sunday, we are having a Creative Writing field trip to Tina's to record some of our work with professional actors (of which she is one) and with proper recording equipment. People are bringing their kids and we will drink ridiculous amounts of tea and it will be RAD. I am quite excited. Only two more sessions of Creative Writing left, how will I survive? Sigh. I love it so much, it makes my Mondays so fabulous.

I am going to write an essay on the Beats now. I swear.

Title: Doctor Who and the Case of the Nerdy Companions
Warnings: Crack, gratuitous self-insertation, mild swearing, copious fangirling
Summary: annemjw may have thought I was joking in this thread but I wasn't. Anne and Aimee take a voyage through time with the Doctor.

( The Doctor peered out of the TARDIS. )

My novel is being a bitch. Partly because I keep wanting my heroine to swear. However, I have spent the past week remembering hilarious intermediate pastimes and institutions. Here's a list of my favourite:

1. Technology: Especially cooking, wherein I learnt to make triple tiered sandwiches. We still eat cornish pasties based on Hannah's form two recipe.

2. Themes: Harry Potter, Fantasy, Discrimination, Protest ... The Discrimination one's an interesting one actually because to demonstrate Discrimination our teachers chose to single out a bunch of kids and treat them like shit for several days. Oh Intermediate, did you not learn from The Wave.

3. Being a Science Monitor: Yeah, that's right. Hannah and I were science monitors. It was the most awesome responsibility ever. We spent an entire day cleaning up the teeny tiny science room and missing class.

4. The Pashing Seat: Uh-huh. I just think it's the most hilarious thing ever. Here is what Janey has to say about it.
"The Pashing Seat was an awful institution. Outlawed by the teachers, it carried on as a covert operation. It was mostly for the populars. A boy and girl would start going out, the news would spread and that lunchtime half the school turned up to the bench secluded by the toi toi plants to watch them kiss. From what Janey knew, mostly they didn’t, but the very idea horrified her."

5. Writing in pencil: I miss that. You could erase everything.

6. Ms Sime: My form one and two teacher was so wonderful and inspiring. As I've been writing this novel, I contemplate sending her a letter thanking her for telling me I could write and that I should write, for giving me the confidence to become a public speaker, for making me believe I could do anything I dreamed of. I will dedicate To The Zombie Who Lives in my Wardrobe to her.

7. The varying strange, wonderful and horrifying characters I dealt with day in, day out. My favourite was when we did those things where you pass around a piece of paper with your name on it and everyone writes something nice about you and I got told by one of the boys that I was "unobtrusive and work in silence". I know, right. This has been the most hilarious compliment I have ever received (apart from the time I got told I looked like Tim Robbins from The Shawshank Redemption - and I'm fairly certain that wasn't a compliment).

What do you remember about intermediate school? What stands out for you?

Love Aimee

Last night, while I sat in my room writing about zombies, Emily started laughing hysterically. Then, she burst into my room and relayed the following conversation to me.

HANNAH: I worked at the NZSP one summer.
EMILY: What's that?
HANNAH: [moment of thought]
HANNAH: New Zealand Secret Police.

Ah, if only. Apparently it was just the Society of Physiotherapists.

This is a very strange time to be at university. I don't quite know how to describe it, except that there is five weeks of class, three exams and a portfolio hand-in until I have a degree, something common to just about everyone I know. Everyone I talk to asks about 'next year' and 'summer work' and 'argh what am I doing with my life'. Every conversation I have, I become less and less sure of myself.

[I just cut a very wanky four paragraphs that basically amounted to 'Blah blah blah Indecision'.]

On the bright side, I have an idea for a research essay I want to do, looking at Children's Fantasy and images of The Underworld. This excites me greatly. I was telling Emily all about it, she was possibly not sober. Now to actually speak to someone in the English department about this.

On Saturday night, we held a party. Hannah got drunk. This is always a sign of a very good time. I stood in glass and gashed my foot; it was rather melodramatic when I started spurting blood all over the flat. Fortunately, Emily was sober because she was able to grab me bandaids while I stood with my foot in our bathroom sink and Hannah yelled out instructions in an Italian accent and swigged from a bottle of tequila.

Anatomy in Ancient Greece

I can safely say that my classics education has prepared me for life. Not only can I bore people to sleep by spouting interesting facts about Bronze Age Aegean Frying Pans (which I believe will come in handy someday - dealing with difficult students perhaps?) but now I have an intimate knowledge of how female anatomy really works. The body is a apparently a big 'super-highway' (in my lecturer's words), from the brain and mouth down to the vagina. If this super-highway gets clogged up, a woman will no longer be fertile. To check fertility, simply place garlic in the vaginal vicinity and smell the woman's breath.

A woman's parts are very dry (needing to be moistened by the male). Sometimes they dry out, which is never an especially good thing. A particularly effective cure for this (if there's not a man around to have sex with for the sake of your health) is to take a puppy - and here I must be extremely clear: it must be a puppy because puppies are wet but dogs are dry* - and stuff the puppy with aromatic herbs and scents. Place near vagina and voila!

Reader, I was particularly astonished to discover that we have wombs. We possibly have hymens (but these are disputed and probably don't really exist). Not only that but our womb wanders. If it dries out, it will leave its place of residence to seek its fortune elsewhere, latching onto the heart or brain.

Thus concludes of anatomy lesson for today. Next week: How to prevent hysteria in virgins. (Short Answer: SEX.)

* I am tempted to believe is purely for the intensified 'OH NO HOW COULD YOU' reaction to stuffing a puppy with your kitchen spice rack, as compared to a dog.

ETA: So there is a sort of scandal in the UK at present in which a poem by Carol Ann Duffy has been taken off the GCSE curriculum because of complaints about references to knife violence.

This insenses me. Carol Ann Duffy is one of my favourite poets of all time, it scapegoats a single writer for no particular reason for a poem that is relatively harmless, it assumes that teenagers don't understand that poetry is not a How To guide and it completely misses the point of the poem.
I'm not going to say anything more about it, except that it would be ridiculous if it wasn't so real.

Carol Ann Duffy's response is suitably hilarious and wonderful and makes me idolise her even more.

This is just to say

I have not finished
my Shakespeare essay
which is due in
on monday

And which you were
probably expecting
me to have
completed

Forgive me
It is difficult
so dull
and so trying

I have done nothing in my holidays yet except read and internet and do a little frantic study for my Speech theory exam on Saturday (fun times, fun times). So have a list:

1. Shakespea-re-told is the best thing of all time ALL TIME: I have seen both Much Ado About Nothing and The Taming of the Shrew. ( Cut for spoilers and general squee-age )

2. Hamlet: Kirsten is performing Hamlet for me tonight. Yes, I know, right. She only has vague knowledge of the play so may end up performing Hamlet's facebook feed instead. I am okay with this, but am looking forward to her performing the fight scenes by herself. Also, Liz and I are having Hamlet Day tomorrow and it is going to be full of Hamlet-y goodness, like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.

3. Ngaio Drinks: I always say Ngaio Drinks and then my Dad asks if so-and-so is coming and I say no and he says well, it can't be Ngaio Drinks then. So, I shall rephrase. My five Ngaio girls are coming over to get boozed and eat sausage rolls tonight. It is going to be fabulous.

4. I keep getting Raymond Chandler and Raymond Carver confused in my head. To me they are the same person. They write very short American crime stories in a minimalist style.

5. I have been researching Intermediates for my novel. This basically requires me to go through all my junk from Intermediate and laugh and laugh. Hannah and I are going to mummify apples in the name of research. It is pretty damn hard to write a conversation with a character who cannot speak (Patrick the Zombie). Hannah also questioned how she became a scientist after our extraordinarily awful science fair project. "My dad teaches maths, your Mum's a meteorologist, your father studied electrical engineering. How did we manage to come up with such a lame project?"

6. Sonnet 130 by Shakespeare.
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks,
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

7. You should know that this is my favourite sonnet of all time, possibly even my favourite poem, and it makes me cry (with laughter mostly). I know it by heart. I would cry buckets if a man read it to me. Even though it's slightly insulting, but whatever.

8. I read a book called Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief. It made me really angry because Rick Riordan got in first and stole the best children's book idea of all time. Basically, the premise is that the Greek Gods are alive and well and living in New York City (actually, Olympus is on the 600th floor of the Empire State Building) and still having affairs with mortals. Percy (otherwise known as Perseus) is the product of such an affair between his mother and Poseidon. It is pretty much the most awesome premise in the world. I am spectacularly jealous. I bought it for V for her birthday.

Can I tell you something that has bothered me since the Deathly Hallows came out?

Okay, so I'm one of those bizzare people who really liked the Epilogue because I am a sucker for a 'Nineteen Years Later' and I totally want to end all my novel like that (including the one I'm writing at the moment, so it would be like, 'ten years later Jonathan Cecil Montgomery came out. Janey Simmons married a very nice man who worked as a plumber and Patrick the Zombie travelled the world and lost a leg in Eastern Europe')

Anyway. A lot of the kerfuffle is about how Harry and Ginny named their children after dead people and ancestors and so on. Am I alone in seeing absolutely no problem with this? And it bothers me when people berate JKR for it, or talk about how stupid it is, how it gives them no personality of their own and so on.

Why? Because my name is Aimee Carey. Aimee was my great grandmother, she was 92 when I was born and I was her first great granddaughter. My middle name is an ancestral name. I'm descended from the Careys who came across on a boat and ended up naming Carey's Bay down in the Dunedin area (Port Chalmers, I think). So I was entirely named after other people.

I don't think it's complete rubbish that Harry and Ginny named their children after people who meant something to them. I think it's basically a really nice memorial. I also don't think it means the kids can't have any personality of their own.

The only reason I can think of it being inappropriate is if you're going to confuse the reader with using the same name. But I don't think that's the case here.

Also, I think it is absolutely adorable that little Lily's middle name is Luna.

So there.

(To be fair, I'm fairly sure I'm the only person in my family named after someone. Except my sister, of course, who was named after Dylan Thomas' wife, which I think is a matter of my mother taking her love for Thomas' poetry a step too far because I don't think Caitlin Thomas had a particularly pleasant life.)